Most importantly, children learn to respond to Mom and Dad so that they will have the necessary character to obey God as they grow older. Maybe that's why Solomon talks fifteen times in the book of Proverbs about the importance of listening to instructions. As you concentrate on a routine for giving instructions, you will pave the way for healthy spiritual relationships between your children and God.

By teaching children to follow directions you help them develop the character they need to listen to God's instructions and obey him. It's a lot of work but the time you invest now has benefits that will last a lifetime. After all, as adults, we must also comply with instructions that we don't particularly like. Sometimes God asks us to do something we don't fully understand or wish we didn't have to do. Obedience usually requires work, self-discipline, and humility, qualities not easily found in society today.

The instruction process builds character by helping children learn to follow directions without arguing or complaining. When parents give up on giving instructions, they miss valuable teaching opportunities. That doesn't mean parents should just overpower their kids. If you work to implement an instruction routine, both you and your kids will benefit. The ramifications are important because as you do the daily work of parenting, your children are learning how to respond not only to you, but also to their future employers, team leaders, and ultimately to God.

What is helpful about the Instruction Routine in your family?

The conscience has other functions as well. The conscience provides internal prompters to children to do what’s right, but many parents miss opportunities to strengthen these prompters. Instead, parents emphasize parental prompters. One of the ways to increase the strength of a child’s internal prompters is to send children on missions where they have to rely on internal prompters and then take initiative themselves.

Instead of saying, “Johnny, go clean up the Legos in the playroom,” you might say, “Johnny, please go look in the playroom and see if you can find anything out of place in there.” Teaching children to see what needs to be done is the first step toward motivating them to make changes on their own. You might also say, “Oops, Jenny, think for a minute,” as she’s about to leave the table without helping to clean up. Or, “Jim, would you please think of a way you can help in these frustrating few minutes before dinner?”

Raising the awareness often requires that parents allow children to fill in some of the blanks by seeing what needs to be done for themselves and then taking initiative to do it.

I understand you want me to…because…
I have a problem with that because…
So could I please…

The first phrase helps the child identify with the concerns and needs of the parent. When parents feel understood they're more likely to listen to alternatives, negotiate, or compromise.

The second phrase helps the parent to understand the child's predicament and reason for discussion.

In the third phrase the child offers a creative solution that addresses both the concerns of Mom or Dad and the concerns of the child.

You may say to your seven-year-old son, "It's time to clean up the playroom now. We have to go run errands." If he's just gotten involved in his train set, he might say, "I understand you want me to clean up because we have to go out, I have a problem with that because I just set up my train track, could I please leave my train out until we get home?"

Of course, a child in this situation needs to be able to accept "no" as an answer. A child who is unable to accept "no" without having a tantrum isn't ready to use the wise appeal and loses it as a privilege. Sometimes however, the wise appeal can be helpful in family life. It teaches children an honoring way to appeal.

Some children may try to use the wise appeal in a manipulative way or may not be mature enough to handle it. A child may try to use the wise appeal to get out of doing a job altogether. This is unacceptable. The wise appeal results in a contract between parent and child. This contract requires trust and when a child proves responsible, then the child earns the privilege of more trust.

The wise appeal is illustrated in Scripture in the lives of Daniel, Esther, and Nehemiah who all had to go to an authority to present a difficult situation. Their success happened, in part, because of the way they made their requests. By teaching the wise appeal, you teach children an adult skill they can use forever.

Have you taught the wise appeal to your children? What benefits have you seen? Respond below to tell us about it.

For instance, when that tiny newborn comes home from the hospital, the baby quickly becomes the focus of attention. The infant sets the schedule for feedings and for sleeping. Often both parents have to adapt their lives around one small child. However, as your baby begins to grow and develop, you change too. You no longer jump for every cry. You begin to set limits on a mobile child and determine a meal schedule for a toddler. One major parenting shift takes place when infants become toddlers.

A common parenting mistake happens when parents don't make the teenage parenting shift. They continue to treat their teens as if they were nine or ten years old. Parents who don't make the necessary adjustments, experience increased friction and frustration in family dynamics. As children mature, parents can now communicate with them in a more adult manner by listening and explaining. Change comes through compromise and mutual agreement rather than always strictly complying with the parents' instructions.

Teens need more discussion about issues and concerns. Discipline involves more explaining and talking rather than just requiring compliance. A parent may say, "I'm not going to make you give your little brother one of the cookies you made for school, but I'd like to talk about it. I'd like to hear what you're thinking because it seems selfish to me."

As your children grow, be ready to grow with them and make the necessary changes to influence them effectively.

How have you seen parenting shifts help in your home?  Tell us about it.

This principle that privilege and responsibility go together is the primary way that parents can discipline their teens. Too often parents give privileges to teens who aren't responsible enough to handle them. Just because a child is fourteen years old doesn't mean that he is mature enough to go to a friend's house without supervision. Don't give privileges based on age, use responsibility as a guide instead.

One mom was asked by her thirteen-year-old daughter, "How old do I have to be before I can babysit?"

Mom was wise enough to respond, "The answer doesn't have to do with age. It has to do with responsibility."

Her daughter continued, "How will you know when I'm responsible enough?"

"I'll see signs of responsibility at home. I can tell if you are responsible by how you take care of your room and what kind of choices you make when I'm not around."

Parents sometimes give privileges to children who aren't responsible enough to handle them. Privileges are things like being home alone, having an email account, carrying a cell phone, going to the mall with friends, or being able to stay up later.

Children want privileges and often pressure their parents to give them. You can use privileges to teach responsibility. "Before I can give you access to the Internet, I have to see that you can take a stand for righteousness, be honest under pressure, and do the right thing when no one is watching." Or, "I'd like to allow you to stay up later but it means that you have to demonstrate a good attitude during the day. I'm not sure we're there yet."

Responsibility can be demonstrated in children in many ways and honor is at the heart of it. Cleaning up after a snack, taking initiative to help clear the table, being honest in a difficult situation, responding to correction without blaming an offense on someone else, and handling disappointment with a good attitude are all ways that children can demonstrate responsibility.

How has the principle that "privilege and responsibility go together" worked in your family?  Tell us about it.

Sometimes parents are encouraged by the commitments they see in their children and other times red flags go up warning moms and dads to take action. When parents use the good commitments that children have and try to change commitments that are unproductive, they are doing heart work in their kids' lives.

Parents can do a lot to influence their children's commitments and convictions. Be on the lookout for positive things that you want to encourage in your child's heart. Many a great man or woman has traced their early interests back to a parent's encouragement. Look for ways to generate healthy commitments in children to get their hearts moving in the right direction.

Moses told the people, "Take to heart all the words I have solemnly declared to you this day…They are your life." (Deuteronomy 32:46-47) Samuel told the people, "Serve the Lord with all your heart." (1 Samuel 12:24) Proverbs 3:5 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart." Each of these verses is a call to commitment.

What are some ways you encourage Godly commitments in your child? Tell us about it.

Discipline needs to be framed, finished off, and completed with a Positive Conclusion. It's not enough to just give a consequence and think you're done. Some parents feel like they’ve fulfilled their responsibility or done their duty by simply sending children to their rooms or taking away a privilege.

Unfortunately, there is often tension left in the relationship, the child may walk away angry, children may feel guilty, or true repentance may not have taken place. This leaves room for anger or even bitterness to linger. The child may plan revenge. "I'll show you. I just won't talk to you. You'll be sorry then." Day after day, year after year, these tensions grow into layers and layers of walls between you and your child.

A Positive Conclusion is a discussion you have with your child after the consequence has been given. It helps children understand what they did wrong, why it was wrong and what they can do differently next time. The Positive Conclusion is a reaffirmation of the relationship and a confidence that the child can do better. The Positive Conclusion is so important you should use it to end every discipline situation.

God had a Positive Conclusion with Adam and Eve. He gave the consequence, sending them out of the garden, but he then made clothes for them and gave them a hopeful promise of the future. We can do the same thing for our children by giving them a hope and a plan for the next time they are in the same situation that caused the problem.

The key is to express empathy and validate the pain or disappointment your child is experiencing. Then, you can gently move into a suggestion mode if needed. For example, when the cat scratches your four-year-old son who is playing rough, don't just launch into a lecture. Instead say something like, "Ouch, I'll bet that hurt. It looks like he doesn't like rough play does he?"

Or when your eight-year-old daughter is hungry before dinner because she refused to eat lunch you might say, "I'll bet you're hungry. That's a long time to go without food."

If you leave out the empathy and just move into a lecture mode, children may react poorly. They may view your approach as condescending or cold and respond with anger or hostility. Empathy communicates love; while at the same time allows the child to accept responsibility for the problem.

Empathy is a primary ingredient for partnership. Empathy reveals understanding and care. Empathy validates the emotions a child is experiencing even though the actions that come out of those emotions may need correction. Demonstrating your love while your child learns from experience can be one of the best ways to teach children lasting lessons about life.

Do you have an example you would like to share?

But obedience is bigger than a parenting issue. It's a life skill. When children learn to give up their agenda or sacrifice their activity to do what someone else says, they’re learning how to live successfully with other people.

You’re training your child for the future. It's not enough to simply change a child’s behavior to conform to your present desires. Look long term. Things like obedience, submission, and honor toward God and others are attitudes learned as a child and practiced throughout life.

One verse that reminds us that our present discipline has long-term ramifications is Proverbs 22:6. It says, "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not turn from it." Our kids are in training.

It's good to tell your children why they need to obey. Share with them your motivation and goals for them. Tell them that they need to learn to obey your words so that when they grow up they will know how to obey God and work with others. Poor habits and selfishness are hard to deal with in children, but the older the child, the harder it is to break these patterns. Disciplining our children effectively when they're young will save them much pain later on in life.

Conflict between brothers and sisters is a child’s first class in relationships. Your home is the classroom, you are the teacher, and a healthy plan for working on conflict is the curriculum. Each conflict situation becomes an opportunity for teaching children how to relate more effectively.

One of the most important strategies for addressing sibling conflict is to discipline the children separately, not together. Kids have an amazing way of deflecting discipline when they’re together.

When two children are fighting, call one out of the room and talk about how to deal with the conflict. Some parents feel like they must stop everything and administer consequences to both kids in order to parent effectively. A better response is to train them in the moment. By removing just one of the kids you’re able to help that child develop better conflict management skills. When your son complains that you’re only disciplining him and not his sister, explain to him that he and his sister need help in different ways, and right now you’re helping him.

Teach children how to confront, ignore, negotiate, compromise, talk about problems, and be a peacemaker. And when they’ve reached a point of frustration, rather than lash out, they need to get help, typically from you. Send the child back into the situation to try again. You may call the same child out of an activity five or ten times in an hour to continue to point out the change that needs to take place.

Help children know what right actions are appropriate, and as long as they’re willing to try to do the right thing, send them back into the situation to practice. If necessary, call the second child out and give helpful suggestions as well.

Recognizing that sibling conflict is an opportunity for relationship training gives the conflict a whole new perspective. As you listen to your children’s interaction you’ll be able to identify specific skills they need, buttons that are easily pushed, and relating weaknesses that need to be addressed.

What are some things you've done to teach your children relationship skills? Tell us about it.

The closeness you and your children feel is a function of the heart. In Acts 4:32 we read the early disciples “were one in heart and mind,” a statement of their unity. The heart is where we build the close relationships that help us to teach our kids in ways that will have a lasting impact. Closeness allows us to work with our children rather than against them as they develop the valuable character qualities they need to succeed in life.

These special moments of heart connection also happen with older children, but, in many families, they come less often. Connecting with an older child’s heart often takes deliberate actions on the part of the parent. Moms and Dads need to be watching for opportunities and then take advantage of them when they come.

A fourteen-year-old gets a positive school report, giving her dad an opportunity to affirm her hard work. Her smile confirms he made the heart connection he’d hoped for.

Mom makes herself available when her son gets home in the evening because that’s often the time he likes to talk.
Be on the lookout for opportunities to connect with your kids on a heart level, affirming their successes and sympathizing with their hurts. The relationships you build with your children are an essential foundation for helping them to grow. In those moments of closeness you may have opportunities for significant conversations or you may simply want to enjoy the heart connection.

What are some things you've done to connect with your child's heart?  Tell us about them.

It's a challenge to know when to solve problems for children and when to let them struggle. We don't like to see our children frustrated or suffering. Sometimes though we, as parents, suffer more just watching our children deal with life. One mom said, "I can't stand to watch my four-year-old tie his shoe. I just want to grab it and say, 'Here, let me do it.'" But allowing our children to struggle through a problem to a solution or experience the consequences of foolishness often results in more effective learning than we could produce otherwise.

We can’t abandon our children though. When undue frustration builds or a situation becomes dangerous, we need to step in and help. Stepping in as a counselor or coach is the best way. Jesus used this approach with his disciples. He allowed Peter to walk on the water and fail but was close by to pick him up again. When the disciples failed at healing the epileptic boy, Jesus taught them a more complete way.

Some of the most valuable lessons come from experience. If parents can make the switch from rescuer to coach, children will learn more and develop wisdom. So the next time you see your child struggling, put on the coach's hat and watch learning take place.

Do you have any comments you would like to share?

Be sure though as you work with habits of behavior like this you're also talking about the heart. "I appreciate the way you're becoming more thoughtful." Or, "We're doing this to help you develop self control.”

Sometimes parents struggle because when they reward one child, they feel they need to reward all their children. Should you reward one child when you don't reward the other? This thought comes from the belief that fair means equal. Children often point out what they view to be inequity in a situation and call that unfair. But children are all unique. Each child has different strengths and weaknesses, and should be treated uniquely. Parents get into real trouble when they try to treat all their kids equally.

Teach your children that you don't even try to treat them the same. If a brother sees his sister receiving a reward, and he wants one too, then you might say, "Your sister is working on something in her life and the reward is for her progress and effort. If you want to work on a character quality in your life, let me know and I'll think of a reward for you too." Don't be motivated by the "It's not fair" complaint. That's just an indication that children don't understand what fairness really is.

Fairness treats all children according to their needs, which usually isn't equal. Each child needs to feel loved and cared for. Each child needs to work on particular issues. Focus on each of your children as individuals and reward them according to their needs.

If you ask your child to clean up the toys but find that he's only put away two things and left six out, you might say, "Oh, I see you put the blocks away, that's great! and I like the way you lined up your trucks, now let me see you put the balls in the box where they belong."

You're encouraging steps in the right direction. One little boy was learning to dress himself and Mom had a rule that he needed to be dressed before coming to the breakfast table. When he came downstairs with his shirt on backwards and his shoes missing, she still praised him. He was trying. Pointing out his shortcomings would have been discouraging. He had tried and was feeling good. Mom wanted to encourage his efforts.

If your child is having as hard time finishing a homework assignment, you could be encouraging and point out how much she's done, rather then focusing on how much is left.

Paul affirmed approximately right behavior when he recognized that we’re all in process. He encouraged the Philippians with these words, "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Paul was saying, "Be encouraged in the process because God is still working in you." We give a gift to our children as we affirm them in process, not just completion.

What have you done to remain positive and encouraging with your child this week?  Tell us about it.

Unfortunately, many dads and moms use anger as a way to demonstrate firmness to train their children. But, anger and harshness get in the way of the learning process for kids. In an attempt to build a relationship, some parents spend too much time dialoguing about instructions. They try to defend their words, persuade their children to do what they're told, or logically explain the value of obeying. When children remain unresponsive, then parents resort to anger. This is counterproductive.

Children must understand that privilege and responsibility go together. The young person who can't do the right thing when Mom isn't watching may lose the privilege of staying at home alone while Mom runs to the store. The child who can't do a job and report back but disappears, leaving the job undone, may lose the privilege of going to a friend's house or going to the mall alone. Firmness is important but it doesn’t require an angry response from the parent.

Children must understand that if they want to have privileges, they must be willing to abide by the family principles. As often as possible we want to tie those two things together. After all, Jesus said the same thing in a parable to his disciples when he said, "Because you have been trustworthy in a very small matter, take charge of ten cities" (Luke 19:17). It's a principle of life, both in the family and out.

What are some ways you choose to parent with honor?  Tell us about them.

As parents we have to look for positive ways to frame the maturity issues that we know are best, but seem unreasonable to our children. In this case, you might try having a “Servant for the Day.” This child not only sets the table and takes out the trash but also gets some extra “Mommy time,” helps with dinner, and sits next to Dad during story time. Throughout the course of the day, Mom has an opportunity to talk about more subtle aspects of servanthood that involve how children talk, listen, and even think.

Take time to praise demonstrations of servanthood. One child may not get the first turn or the biggest piece, but he gets the praise of Mom for being the mature one. That's a far more valuable reward.

Teaching children to be servants will promote harmony in your family. Becoming a servant will help children deal with the continual desire to build themselves up while putting others down. Learning servanthood is a way to honor others in the family and it brings honor back as well.

Who demonstrated servanthood recently in your family? How can you point that out and encourage it today?  Tell us about it.

Envisioning a positive future looks beyond the day-to-day discipline and says, "I see qualities in you that are going to make you successful." Statements like, "With that kind of thoughtfulness you're going to make a great husband." Or "Your thoroughness is going to make you a valuable employee someday." When parents learn to view their children this way, they look past the daily grind of parenting to what their children are becoming. What is my child good at? What do I see now that will bring success as my child grows?

We've probably all heard the statement that children believe what we say about them. If a parent tells a child he'll never amount to anything, he's likely to incorporate that into his belief about himself and it may end up becoming true. We can take that same principle and teach our children to see the good in themselves, the specific ways that God has blessed them.

Interestingly enough, giving our children a positive vision for the future encourages them to live up to it now. The qualities we focus on end up being the ones they see in themselves and develop.

Envisioning a positive future gives our children hope and direction. It says, "You're going to make it." "I believe in you." It's a way to honor our children. Like giving them a gift that will last a lifetime, a hopeful way of looking at themselves and their life.

After all God does this for us on a regular basis. Verses like Philippians 1:6 give us hope to live now to the fullest. "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

What gifts do you see demonstrated in your children?  Tell us about one of your child's gifts.

Anger appears to work in the short run. It gets kids moving or motivates them to stop and listen. But in the end, it damages a child's decision-making ability.

Instead of becoming people-pleasers, children need to learn how to make decisions based on values and convictions. How do children learn to do that? It comes when parents discipline with firmness and love. But many parents are unsure what that means in practical terms.

What parents need is a plan. Developing consequences that touch a child's heart is a challenge but the extra time invested pays off. Parenting is hard work and a plan keeps a mom or dad on track. We find that many parents who don't have a plan resort to anger as a primary consequence.

Anger may come naturally, but we aren't parenting just for convenience. At least we shouldn't be. We're parenting for the long term. When you take the extra time to develop a plan for real heart change, children grow up with the tools they need to be successful in life.

Take some extra time and look for proactive ways to develop character in your children. It will change your children and it will change you. No longer will you have to resort to anger to get things done. Now you have a plan that will mold and guide your children both now and for the future.

For more information about developing an Action Plan for your children read the book, Good and Angry: Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller.  This book is available in the Children's Ministry Office for you to check out if you want.

It's important to understand that anger is not good as a response to problems. It usually builds walls, increases tension, and contributes to distance in relationships. But we do believe that anger is good for identifying problems. Once you understand anger, you'll be able to use it to your advantage to point out problems in life. Then you must move into another mode or plan to solve those problems.

Ephesians 4:26 says, "In your anger do not sin." This verse is just one that tells us that there is an anger that isn't sinful.

One dad told us that when he began thinking about anger this way his anger became less intense, he was angry less often, and when he did get angry, he knew what to do about it. That is exactly what we're saying.

There are plenty of books on the market about managing anger and you can do a lot to calm your emotions but the anger control books don't solve the real problem – your kids keep doing the wrong things! If you begin to use anger to identify the problems and then develop healthy solutions to address them, you'll be using anger in a positive way.

Many parents have given up hope, believing that they have lost the battle with anger. They’re plagued with guilt about their emotions. Before you can improve your anger management or your child’s, you must first think rightly about anger. Anger is good for identifying problems but not good for solving them.

How have you used anger as a flag rather than a weapon?  Tell us about it.

One way is to state rules and requests in positive terms. Instead of saying, "Don't shout," you might say, "We talk quietly in the store." Instead of "Stop being rough with the dog," you might say, "Be gentle." Instead of complaining about the clothes all over your daughter's room, you could say, "Remember to pick up your clothes and organize your room before you go out tonight."

It may take some work, but clearly stating or restating the rule in positive terms gives your child a clear picture of what you expect and keeps your interaction on a positive note. Give gentle, positive reminders to point your kids in the right direction.

A second way to be positive is to give children choices. Instead of saying, "Stop banging that drum," you could say, "You may play the drum outside or in your room." Or, "I've already said no to getting out the train set. You can either choose another activity or go outside to play for awhile." By keeping discipline positive you are training and teaching. Choices help children move in a more constructive direction. With older children you may ask “What’s your plan for chores this weekend?” giving responsibility to your child.

Ephesians 6:4 says, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."

The first part of the verse describes a negative way of relating to children. Exasperate gives the impression of being harsh and causing discouragement. In place of that negative response, fathers are instructed to do something positive, bring their children up in the training and instruction of the Lord. As parents, we don't want to discipline our kids to merely get rid of negative behaviors. The purpose of discipline is to train children and show them the positive direction they are to go.

What are some things you do to keep discipline positive?  Tell us about it.

1) Blocked Goals. This is the kind of thing that happens to you, as a parent, when you want to do a project in the playroom and find that Billy has left his Legos all over the floor and you keep stepping on them. Or, Billy may want to play with his train set only to find that his sister is using it first. These are blocked goals.

2) Violated Rights. That's when you, as a parent, are in the bathroom and your daughter keeps knocking on the door. You believe you have the right to go to the bathroom in peace. Your daughter may get angry because her brother came into her room and took her favorite CD. Those are violated rights.

3) Unmet Expectations. You had expected that when you got home you would be able to rest but instead you find a big mess. Or Jackie thought she would be going to McDonalds but instead you chose to go to Pizza Hut. Those are unmet expectations.

4) Experiencing Unfairness. When someone takes a toy from a younger child, you may feel angry as a parent because you see unfairness. Or, Tom may feel angry with his teacher because she picked someone else for a privilege he thought he deserved. Those unfair situations can provoke anger.

Whatever the situation, after a child has settled down, talk about the cause.  Discuss the value of sacrificing rights, readjusting goals or expectations, and handling unfairness in a godly way. By examining the causes of anger, you can help children gain greater perspective and develop longer lasting strategies for managing their emotions.

What are some things you've done to help your child successfully manage anger?  Tell us about it.

The child who teases relentlessly, the child who whines for a snack, and the child who bickers with his brother all have one thing in common: a need to change patterns of behavior and a need to change the heart. Some parents only use punishment or anger to motivate their children to act differently. This attitude says, "If I just point out the problem enough times, he'll eventually change."

What these kids really need is firm correction with a positive focus. Be sure to tell your children what they should do in place of the unwanted behavior. Teach them right responses to replace the negative ones. Have them practice doing the right thing before they are free to go. It takes more work to discipline instead of punish but the rewards are certainly worth it. Children grow and develop new patterns of healthy responses.

What have you done with your kids to teach them in the midst of correction?  Tell us about it.

Pray for missionaries in other parts of the world. Create a care package for a family and mail it off in time to arrive by Christmas Day.

Get involved in your church's gift-giving program. Most churches provide ways to give tangible gifts to those in need. Ask around your community for organizations that are providing gifts for others.

Take some homemade food and crafts to a local rest home or senior citizen center. Sing songs and greet people. Tell them Merry Christmas. Before you go and when you're finished, talk to your kids about the people you are visiting. Sometimes caring for people can be a challenge and a blessing. Discussions help children understand it all in practical terms.

Make sure that children understand that Christmas is a time when we can share the love of Jesus with others. After all, that's what God did for us.

What have you done with your kids to emphasize the giving this Christmas season? Tell us about it.

Have a daily or weekly reminder of the Christmas story.  Use an advent calendar or read through the Christmas story in the next few weeks.

Tell children what the first Christmas was really like.  Did you know that a manger is a cow's eating dish?  How far is it from Nazareth to Bethlehem anyway?  That would be like walking all the way from our home to _____.  What was an Inn like?  What were the shepherds doing out with the sheep at night?  Did you know that the Bible doesn't say that there were three wise men?  Maybe there were ten.  Help children think about the story differently than they have before.

Write to a missionary family and find out how they are celebrating Christmas. Talk to your children about how cultures have different traditions but the real meaning of Christmas is the same.

And talk about God's gift of salvation.  Why did God start Christmas in the first place?  How does his gift change who we are?  Keep in mind that this may be time that your child dedicates himself or herself to the Lord in a new and special way.

Christmas is a special time where memories are created that last a lifetime.  Take some time to plan your Christmas season carefully to make sure the things you do and say have lasting value.

What have you done with your kids to emphasize the real meaning of Christmas.  Tell us about it.

Some parents, wanting their children to like them, recognize giving gifts opens the heart, so they overdo it by giving them too many things. Giving to your kids must be tied into relationship, or the gifts feed selfishness instead of gratefulness.

Overindulgence is giving your children more than their character can handle. When children lack gratitude, then the more you give them, the less they appreciate. Parents must restrain themselves or they’ll exceed their children’s ability to manage the blessings.

Overindulged children rarely become grateful when you give them more things. They grow to be more demanding and selfish. Parents then feel unappreciated and become resentful. The hearts of both parents and children harden toward each other, and closeness becomes a thing of the past.

If your children become overindulged rather than grateful, then pull back on the area where you’re giving too much. Look for creative ways to give differently to your child. Teaching the heart gratefulness can be a challenge. Having a child say thank you is just behavior. Gratefulness comes from the heart.

Monitor your child’s response to gifts of love to determine if you’re growing gratitude or overindulgence. As gratefulness increases, you can slowly give blessings in a way that will produce more gratefulness. You’ll know if you’re moving too quickly by your child’s response.

What are some ways you've been able to teach your kids gratefulness? Tell us about it.

Some children, when asked the question, "What did you do wrong?" will respond, "I didn't do anything wrong" or "I don't know," but they actually do know. In this situation the child is defying the process and trying to skirt the issue. If this is the case, simply have the child sit in a chair for a while until he or she is ready to come and deal with the problem. It's surprising how quickly a child can remember what the offense was when there aren't any alternatives.

Confession is a spiritual issue. God asks us to confess our sins to him and he also tells us to confess our sins to each other. Debriefing as part of the discipline process helps children take responsibility for their actions and learn the valuable skill of confession. It takes humility and courage to admit when you are wrong. Help your children learn to take responsibility for their own part of a problem by asking the question, "What did you do wrong?"

What are some ways you've been able to teach your kids to take responsibility for their actions?  Tell us about it.

What are some ways you've been able to teach your kids to take responsibility for their actions?

Children aren't robots; they're people who have wills of their own. You can influence but not control them. That's why parents must be praying for their kids often. God uses you, as a parent, to mold your child. As you work on the heart you will benefit from developing a character development plan uniquely tailored for each child.

Here’s an idea: Fold a piece of paper to make three columns. In column one, list unwanted behaviors you see in your child. In many cases this is a long list but that's okay. Putting the problem on paper often helps sort it out. In the second column try to group the behaviors into character issues. We find that challenging children often lack qualities like self control, sensitivity, perseverance, and gentleness, just to name a few.

In the third column identify positive character qualities as headings and then specific behaviors you'd like to see to replace those unwanted behaviors. Taking this information, develop a strategy to motivate your child to make small changes.

Whatever you do, don't show the paper to your child. That's too much for any one person to see. Choose one character quality to work on and look for positive ways to correct as well as proactive ways to teach the new character quality.

You'll be surprised at the small steps of progress you'll see. But it's those steps of progress that will encourage you and your child. After all, in many homes children are making small steps of progress in the wrong direction so turning things around is a tremendous blessing.

Tell us what you think of this plan.

Children also have the ability to turn the things parents teach them into lessons for others, including you. On the one hand, it’s quite encouraging to see that your child is getting it, but on the other hand, it can be difficult to receive a rebuke from your child. Children have an uncanny way of sensing truth and proclaiming it. Maybe that's why God likens our own spiritual growth to be like a child growing up.

Even though parents are always learning and growing, understanding God's grace in its various forms is a challenge for even the most mature person. God uses hardship and trials to develop the character in a person's life. Romans 5:3-4 says, "Suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." The struggles parents face within themselves and with their children are part of God's refining process.

God has many ways of sending parents messages of hope. They sometimes come through a scripture passage or a pastor's message. A husband or wife can be a great source of encouragement in family life, but there's something about God's use of a child that has the ability to go straight to your heart. It's those moments that parents can look back on and cherish during the difficult times.

How has God used your child to bring encouragement into your life?  Tell us about it.